"Another Day" -Paramore

The Conclusion to the Previous Blog Entry.

1. Yes, it was disappointing of me tonight.
2. No, it's not his fault, and he's not the reason I'm hurt.
3. I've been hurt years ago, by what SEEMS to be that disgusting disorder.. Social anxiety. I prefer not to explain, and would rather you Google it up to understand what this is- if you're curious.
4. No, I haven't been treated, and I'm contemplating on whether or not encouraging my parents to take me to a psychologist/psychiatrist/whatever therapist. Yes, whatever is wrong with me is affecting my life negatively.
5. Because it will take some time to contemplate, and to see a professional, and to be treated, I will not provide effort in forming a relationship with the man I'm interested in. Yes, I believe that relationships should be avoided if it's already hard enough to say a simple greeting.
6. Hecks yes, I have an optimistic view on the whole predicament. If he didn't exist, I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I'd even contemplate getting help- or to do anything about it really.

I'm not letting my problems lie in the back of my mind anymore. Tomorrow, or whenever my parents are home, I'll discuss with them about whether or not I need professional therapy. I've taken multiple online tests on S.A.D, and I've gotten pretty good.. bad.. scores, all the more convincing that I do have problems.

Have a good night.

What I've Determined (More Pessimism, Sry)

So even after all of the encouragement you've given, I still came home crying like a stupid idiot, because I was a stupid idiot earlier tonight. It might have meant nothing to him, but the silence killed me. We never spoke, never started anything. Just sat there like we were complete strangers, because that's what we really are. Strangers.

Why should I have to be sad over some guy I hardly even know?? Why should I have tears and SNOT run out of my eyes and nose? Because it's probably not him entirely that I'm crying about. It's me, mostly. Big girls don't cry, and I've yet to mature. I cry too easily.

Today, I anticipated the moment where we'd actually speak about subjects not related to school/classwork. Actually, weeks ago. You want to know something silly, that could be true (if you're a believer in God) ? That a miracle could've occured- according to Facebook's application: "God's Message for You Today." I don't give a crap if it ain't true, but there's a meaning to it- That I should be on a look out for opportunities anyway.. anyday.

And tonight, I had the opportunity to do the one thing that I swore to do: Just to say a simple goodbye, or a simple goodnight to him. We gathered our things together, and I went out of the door and walked slowly down the hall and down the staircase, hoping that he'd catch up. . . and he did.

But NO! My fear kicked in when he walked right in front of me. . . 4 seconds worth of time to respond to the opportunity. I had my earphones on, but that was a lame excuse. I still had the mouth to say a simple goodbye, but I was too afraid to catch his attention, afraid that he wouldn't give a damn.

Yes, the pain of regret kicked in so hard, I found it easier to walk around in circles, back and forth.. than to sit down on the bench. He's gone, he's gone, I missed him, it's too late, you just had to shut yourself up, he's gone. Anxiety got me panicking.

Then my cellphone rung, and my dad came to pick me up.

I believe my instructor was the lady outside who took her bike out of the rack, and told me "Good night."

Green Day's "Good Riddance" sums up the whole story.

Friday the 13th.. It has been a while since that superstition got me good.

Wouldn't it be nice, if he were reading this, and miraculously saved me? This pointless hope is not going to save me from myself.

Over the next six days, I'm going to think about what's best for me.

I hate my infatuation. It is so unhealthy. Someone's ought to teach me what love really is. As a young girl, I've grown to be a sensitive, insecure little girl.  Middle school crushes turned into obsession. High school crushes turned into pointless adorance. And college hasn't been any different. The lack of attention and care I recieve from the opposite sex probably turned me into an extremely attentive person. I'm vulnerable to fall for every little thing a man does or say.

INFP. That's my Myers & Briggs personality. Supposedly, INFP's are very emotional, and are stubborn about their values, and make irrational decisions based on how they feel at the time. They're known to be disorganized, messy, and again, irrational. That's totally me. The self-hatred hurts.

I really want someone who's rational, practical, and intelligent to teach me how to change and be a better person. He doesn't let his emotions get the best of him. Maybe that's all I see in him, a man worth admiring, so far across the scale. He's got all these qualities that'll make his life a success. But why would he want to waste his time and effort on such a difficult, lousy person like me? My infatuation was initiated after I sort of fell for his physical-appearance (He's Amerasian I think. God damn, so what Tu?!) and the fact that he's INTJ drew me in even more. It isn't healthy, and I hardly even know this guy. So what if the term is almost ending, and we'll most likely never see each other ever again?

Infatuation is bullshit, and I ought to let it go. We're definitely not compatible. He's too good for me. Thinking about him day and night is senseless since I'm so selfish. A good guy like him doesn't need a troubled, immature, little girl. I'd probably take every criticism he'd give personally and make a mess of a relationship. That's not what he needs.

I'm just trying to prepare myself for the farewells and goodbyes we might have, if we even bothered to say them. I don't want to be disappointed later on, or cry and mope about the fact that my infatuation proved worthless. The only thing I have my mind set on telling him is that I'm so disappointed about having to say bye, and having to see new faces next term. I won't let him know that I wanted him. It's something not worth saying, because it's all out of infatuation. He, being the more intelligent, rational one, who's got the right to care, has the decision to keep in contact or not.